John, what you describe seems more akin to unresolved anger than hate. It seems that anger is an emotion in response to immediate loss or suffering. Hate is a state of mind based upon belief.
I don’t think that there is a difference in circumstances relative to hate. People can hate someone and want them to change, or they can hate someone for not acting differently.
Now that I think about it some more as I write this, I think a loose analogy can be drawn. I have seen it demonstrated that underneath anger is fear. Likewise, underneath hate is grief over a loss.
What that grief is about depends on the situation, but I think that for the most part, hate is evidence of an unwillingness to accept a loss. It is when we accept that loss, that we can lose the hate, for once the loss is accepted, there is no productive use for hate.
I don’t know for sure as I haven’t had time to investigate this perspective, but I do think that hate is counterproductive. I also think that hate is an addiction in the sense that dwelling on hate prevents us from being happy. To the extent that we hate, we lose the capacity to be happy.
Thanks for raising an interesting question.