In Praise Of The Bidet
Bidets 1, Dingleberries 0
Years ago, I had read an article on bidets and the ecological benefits of the same. I can vividly recall reading that Tom Cruise admitted his preference for bidets for environmental reasons. In that article, he recounted his own research about the trouble that toilet paper makes at the sewage processing plants and the untold ecological disaster unfolding before us with toilet tissue.
For the unfamiliar, bidets are essentially a shower for the bottom after defecation or sex. Bidets are required in all restrooms in Muslim countries, and they are common in Africa, Southern Europe, and France. In some countries, bidets are considered essential to maintaining good personal hygiene.
Around the same time that I first learned of bidets, I went to Vietnam with my family to visit the other side of my family, my wife’s side. I can recall how there was no toilet paper, only a bidet. At first, I was wary, inhibited, and slightly offended. “Why would anyone use a bidet when we could use toilet paper?”, I thought. The alternative was to suffer dingleberries, so I used the bidet while I was in Vietnam.
Over the ensuing ten days of my time in Vietnam, I slowly developed an enthusiasm for the bidet. I noticed greater comfort after using the bidet. I noticed that I felt cleaner and in the heat of the Vietnamese climate, cooler, and refreshed. I noticed that I stopped worrying if I had missed a spot here or there. I learned not to mind the water and to mind the way I felt after I “evacuated”.
Back at home again, I found myself at work without a bidet. I had to use toilet paper again. I can remember sitting uncomfortably in a staff meeting, noticing that I had missed something, squirming ever so slightly to get some relief. I wished that I could take a quick shower to clear the offensive matter so that I could better concentrate on the important matters at the staff meeting. I noticed that dingleberries tended to make time dilate during staff meetings.
I passed text to my wife, telling her ever so briefly, of my positive experience with bidets. I expressed my desire for bidets on all of our toilets at home. She ordered the bidets from Amazon. I told her I would install them, but I was busy with other things, so she had installed them before I could get my hands on them. They were that easy to install.
I have been using bidets now for more than a year. I have never been more satisfied after using the toilet. The bidets work as intended, washing off all of the detritus and the mucus that the colon creates to make for an easy passage. No longer would I have to suffer a rough ride after a trip to the bathroom, at least at home.
I have found bidets to be more sanitary than the napkins we call, “toilet paper”. When I use a bidet, the only thing that touches my bottom is water. My hands do not touch my butt at all, for the water does a far more efficient and thorough cleaning of my anus and the surrounding area than any toilet paper could do.
I have taken note of the difference between bidets and toilet paper when I shower, for I always clean myself thoroughly, “down there”. After using a bidet, there is little to clean on the bottom. After a trip to the potty with toilet paper, there is more to clean and greater effort is required when I shower. So I lean to the bidet when I can.
I haven’t used toilet paper after a bowel movement at home for more than a year. And now that I’m working from home, with some planning, I can avoid using public toilets with toilet paper altogether. I am now thoroughly convinced that the bidet provides a superior experience in the restroom all around.
The Asians, Africans, Muslims, and the Europeans have had have this figured out for centuries. It would seem to me then, that an enterprising American figured out a way to make money by convincing his fellow Americans that toilet paper made more sense than water. With a little bit of advertising, toilet paper becomes “common sense”.
I know this is not a subject uppermost in our minds during a pandemic. But a crisis can often be a convenient interval into which a motive force for change can be injected. In this crisis, we are looking for ways to stay safe and clean. In this crisis, we may find tangible benefits to using water instead of toilet paper to clean ourselves after a bowel movement.
I feel this is a patriotic duty. I saw the way some people hoarded the toilet paper at the beginning of the pandemic. Had we been a country that was already familiar and comfortable with bidets, there would have been no value to hoarding toilet paper. We would have taken comfort in the knowledge that bidets make toilet paper obsolete, and we might have saved a few trees, too.