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An Object Lesson in Solutions vs Punishment
How to change or even preempt unwanted behavior without punishing anyone.
I have kids. I understand that kids will copy me when they see me do something. If I don’t want them to cuss, I don’t cuss around them. If I don’t want them to pick their nose, I don't pick my nose around them. I make a point to model the behavior I want them to engage in.
Walking, talking, eating without blowing up the dining room table, and cleaning up when I’m done playing a game or with a construction project are just a few examples. We are born imitators.
But sometimes, there is behavior you just can't stop. Sometimes, you need something more than just not doing it in front of them. And no amount of punishment is going to stop them. So I don’t punish my kids. I think of solutions first. I talk to them first.
If I see them doing something that could hurt someone or themselves, I talk to them about it and develop workarounds so that they can solve the problem, get what they want, and not hurt anyone.
I wear glasses and a hearing aid. When my kids were toddlers, I knew that they would be curious about my reality augmentation devices. I knew they’d want to touch them, move them, experiment with them, or do things with them that could potentially require me to pony up money to replace them. I didn’t ever want to be angry with them or punish for touching my things.
So I installed a shelf in my bedroom. The shelf was high enough that they would never see my glasses or my hearing aid without me being in the same room where I could monitor their behavior. In fact, they were completely unaware that I put my glasses there every night, or during the day when I took a nap. I never saw them try to stack furniture just to get up there.
I preempted their behavior with a simple solution. I never had to talk to them about it, either. I didn’t want to. I never said a word about where I kept my hearing aid and glasses when they were not on my head. That shelf removed any temptation for my kids to do something I don’t want them to do. Wherever it became apparent they could do harm, I found ways to pre-empt their behavior.
